The dark side of parent teenager relationships rears it's ugly head when a battle of wills results in door slamming, shouting, threats, physical violence, put downs and so on. Thank God there is a more peaceful way to deal with strong disagreements. Enter the art of negotiation.
The following are five steps for successful negotiation to not only resolve disputes in a peaceful and amicable way but moreover to build a better parent teenager relationship.
1. Narrow The Area Of Dispute. The first thing to do to begin any successful negotiation is to pinpoint the common ground. This means identifying where both parties agree. This will infuse some positive energy into the dialogue. From here, you then identify exactly what the issue is.
For example, your teenager wants her curfew extended by one hour. The common ground could include the need to be safe. The question or issue to be discussed is how less safe, if any, would it be to grant the change?
2. Find Out Exactly What They Want. One way to know what is most pressing on your teenager's mind is to listen for what your teen is not saying.
Supposing your teenager approaches you to stay out until midnight. It is useful then to ask yourself, "now what is my teenager really asking for?" It may be that your teen has a need to 'save face' in front of their friends. Negotiation may reveal that the place where your teen stays out does not really matter. So you both agree that your teenager will invite their friends to your home.
3. Identify The Middle Ground. As the parent in your relationship, maybe there are some limited risks you are willing to take and maybe there are some concessions your child is willing to make.
In the curfew example, staying up till midnight maybe very acceptable in your home or in a friends home.
4. Be Specific In Your Agreement And The Outcome Of The Negotiation. Don't be vague. If there are certain behaviors that you believe are critical for your teen to exhibit, spell them out. By doing so, you can check to see whether your teen followed through.
For example, don't tell your teenager that "you need to be more respectful" without describing what you mean. Rather say, for example, "when you arrive home, don't just go and feed yourself or escape to your bedroom. Go to your mother and father and greet them and share something about your day".
5. Make Negotiated Agreements Short Term Then Work Toward Long Term Agreements.
For example, you could negotiate a curfew agreement for one month. Then come together to review it and continue to do so if needed until both parties are satisfied.
This all might sound like a lot of hard work. However it sure beats ugly confrontations that result in bitterness and resentment. The big upside is that your purpose is not just to resolve disputes but moreover to build a bond of love and trust in your parent teenager relationship.
The following are five steps for successful negotiation to not only resolve disputes in a peaceful and amicable way but moreover to build a better parent teenager relationship.
1. Narrow The Area Of Dispute. The first thing to do to begin any successful negotiation is to pinpoint the common ground. This means identifying where both parties agree. This will infuse some positive energy into the dialogue. From here, you then identify exactly what the issue is.
For example, your teenager wants her curfew extended by one hour. The common ground could include the need to be safe. The question or issue to be discussed is how less safe, if any, would it be to grant the change?
2. Find Out Exactly What They Want. One way to know what is most pressing on your teenager's mind is to listen for what your teen is not saying.
Supposing your teenager approaches you to stay out until midnight. It is useful then to ask yourself, "now what is my teenager really asking for?" It may be that your teen has a need to 'save face' in front of their friends. Negotiation may reveal that the place where your teen stays out does not really matter. So you both agree that your teenager will invite their friends to your home.
3. Identify The Middle Ground. As the parent in your relationship, maybe there are some limited risks you are willing to take and maybe there are some concessions your child is willing to make.
In the curfew example, staying up till midnight maybe very acceptable in your home or in a friends home.
4. Be Specific In Your Agreement And The Outcome Of The Negotiation. Don't be vague. If there are certain behaviors that you believe are critical for your teen to exhibit, spell them out. By doing so, you can check to see whether your teen followed through.
For example, don't tell your teenager that "you need to be more respectful" without describing what you mean. Rather say, for example, "when you arrive home, don't just go and feed yourself or escape to your bedroom. Go to your mother and father and greet them and share something about your day".
5. Make Negotiated Agreements Short Term Then Work Toward Long Term Agreements.
For example, you could negotiate a curfew agreement for one month. Then come together to review it and continue to do so if needed until both parties are satisfied.
This all might sound like a lot of hard work. However it sure beats ugly confrontations that result in bitterness and resentment. The big upside is that your purpose is not just to resolve disputes but moreover to build a bond of love and trust in your parent teenager relationship.
About the Author:
Are you overwhelmed and frustrated in relating with your teenager? Are you at your wits end as to what to do about it? Are you eager to find new ways to relate? If so, get parenting guru, Paul Saver's 7 FREE parenting videos that can revolutionize your parent teenager relationship . Just click on the link.
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