As a parent of four teenagers and as a school teacher for decades, I have been very mindful of trying to help build the self esteem of my young charges by issuing unlimited amounts of praise. More specifically, I have trained myself to notice improvement, sincere effort and excellent performance and to give praise. It wasn't until very recently that it came to my attention that the very words I often used to build up the self esteem of youngsters had limited effectiveness and was sometimes counterproductive. I learned that "descriptive praise" held distinctive advantages over "evaluative praise".
Now for a few words of explanation.
Evaluative praise is the most common form of praise in all relationships to build self esteem. This includes the parent teenager relationship. Evaluative praise is conveyed through expressions like: "Good work", "well done", "I like your work" and so on.
In the parent teenager relationship, it is far better to issue evaluative praise compared to negativity or remaining silent. However when it comes to building self esteem, self confidence and self identity, evaluative praise does little since the words given are usually generic, spoken in cliches and fail to spell out the specifics of your child's performance.
Moreover, evaluative praise is focused on the parent who issues the praise. Just as the praise is given one day, it can be withdrawn the next.
On the other hand, descriptive praise is a method where the parent describes what they observe in their child, who in turn, naturally heaps praise upon themselves. Also by providing your child with an accurate description of your observation of their performance, this becomes an important form of feedback which will remain with the child.
Let me share with you an example to compare and contrast evaluative praise and descriptive praise in a fairly typical parent teenager relationship scenario.
Let's say you have a teen who is a keen soccer player of average ability but who wishes to improve. On game day, within the first few minutes, your teenager gets hold of the ball and kicks a goal. During the half time break, you approach your teen and compliment him by saying: "That was a great goal". This is an example of evaluative praise.
The evaluative praise that you offer could be taken very well. On the other hand, your teenager may take it with some skepticism thinking: "I just happened to be at the right place at the right time". Or he may think: "Since I am not a key player I was not being marked". Certainly kicking a goal and receiving evaluative praise from their parent, coach and team mates would result in positive feelings. However, the value of the experience may be very limited and even lost over time.
Now compare the aforementioned example of evaluative praise with the following example of descriptive praise: "I noticed that in the opening minutes of the game you ran quickly into your defensive zone, only to peel off your opponent and charge down the middle of the ground. Since you were way in the clear, the mid fielder set you up with a perfect pass which you converted into a powerful shot on goal, hitting the back of the net. Really it was your quick thinking, movement and positioning that resulted in the goal".
In this example, you are simply describing what you observed. It is natural and easy for your teenager then to conclude that they did well, not just because they scored a goal but because they made the right moves. Inevitably your teenager would give themselves a pat on the back which would be a boost to their self esteem. Nobody can ever take this away from them. This experience would become an important reference point for your teenager on their road of self development.
So in your parent teenager relationship, make the effort to go beyond evaluative praise and begin using descriptive praise. This will result in your teenager praising themselves and building their own self esteem.
Now for a few words of explanation.
Evaluative praise is the most common form of praise in all relationships to build self esteem. This includes the parent teenager relationship. Evaluative praise is conveyed through expressions like: "Good work", "well done", "I like your work" and so on.
In the parent teenager relationship, it is far better to issue evaluative praise compared to negativity or remaining silent. However when it comes to building self esteem, self confidence and self identity, evaluative praise does little since the words given are usually generic, spoken in cliches and fail to spell out the specifics of your child's performance.
Moreover, evaluative praise is focused on the parent who issues the praise. Just as the praise is given one day, it can be withdrawn the next.
On the other hand, descriptive praise is a method where the parent describes what they observe in their child, who in turn, naturally heaps praise upon themselves. Also by providing your child with an accurate description of your observation of their performance, this becomes an important form of feedback which will remain with the child.
Let me share with you an example to compare and contrast evaluative praise and descriptive praise in a fairly typical parent teenager relationship scenario.
Let's say you have a teen who is a keen soccer player of average ability but who wishes to improve. On game day, within the first few minutes, your teenager gets hold of the ball and kicks a goal. During the half time break, you approach your teen and compliment him by saying: "That was a great goal". This is an example of evaluative praise.
The evaluative praise that you offer could be taken very well. On the other hand, your teenager may take it with some skepticism thinking: "I just happened to be at the right place at the right time". Or he may think: "Since I am not a key player I was not being marked". Certainly kicking a goal and receiving evaluative praise from their parent, coach and team mates would result in positive feelings. However, the value of the experience may be very limited and even lost over time.
Now compare the aforementioned example of evaluative praise with the following example of descriptive praise: "I noticed that in the opening minutes of the game you ran quickly into your defensive zone, only to peel off your opponent and charge down the middle of the ground. Since you were way in the clear, the mid fielder set you up with a perfect pass which you converted into a powerful shot on goal, hitting the back of the net. Really it was your quick thinking, movement and positioning that resulted in the goal".
In this example, you are simply describing what you observed. It is natural and easy for your teenager then to conclude that they did well, not just because they scored a goal but because they made the right moves. Inevitably your teenager would give themselves a pat on the back which would be a boost to their self esteem. Nobody can ever take this away from them. This experience would become an important reference point for your teenager on their road of self development.
So in your parent teenager relationship, make the effort to go beyond evaluative praise and begin using descriptive praise. This will result in your teenager praising themselves and building their own self esteem.
About the Author:
Are you a tired and sad parent of ateen? Are you discovering that your parenting methodsare just not working but you believe there must be a better way to be able to connect with yourteen? If this describesyou, grab a hold of parenting expert, Paul Saver's seven FREE parenting videos. Each video is designed to transform your parentteen relationship. Just click on the link. An empowered approach to parenting awaits you.
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