In your parent teen relationship, where your teen is so impressionable, the words "no" and "yes" are so influential in molding their perception of reality and life itself.
I reckon that the word "no" is more often used in the parent teenager relationship, compared to other relationships.
If a survey were to be done which canvassed whether a parent used the word "yes" or "no" the most in their parent teenager relationship, what would you expect the results to reveal? Given that a lack of self confidence is so prevalent amongst today's teenagers, I would guess that "no" would be more commonly used. In fact, some teenagers may be so accustomed to hearing the word "no" in their parent teenager relationship that they stopped hoping and dreaming for anything larger than self.
Don't get me wrong. It is not wrong to sometimes say a flat "no" to your teenager. Sometimes it is necessary and the wisest thing to say. However if the use of the word "no" becomes as common as your heart beat, this presents a serious problem in terms of the teenagers capacity to live with hope and confidence especially in the midst of crisis.
I want to present five (5) alternatives to saying "no" in your parent teenager relationship, according to Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber.
1. Provide Information But Leave Out The "No".
For example, your teenager asks if they can attend a live concert the night before a big exam. Instead of saying "no" you can give the facts such as "you need at least 8 hours of good sleep to be prepared for your exam" also "in the past you always did better when you studied the night before". Your teenager may well conclude "I suppose I shouldn't go".
2. Validate Feelings.
For instance, you are collecting your teen from a party at twelve midnight. She wants to stay for another hour. You might say; "I understand that if you alone were making the decision you would be staying back another hour or even longer". As you make this comment, you are opening the car door and beckoning your teenager to step in.
3. Describe The Background Problem.
For example, your teenager says "hey mom, can you drive me to the train station now?". Instead of saying "no, you will just have to wait", you can describe the problem such as "I would like to help but the electrician is coming in the next hour".
4. Using a "Yes" Instead of A "No".
For example, your family has just sat down for a meal together and your teenager asks; "Do you mind if I call me friend?". You answer by saying; "Yes absolutely you can call her after dinner".
5. Give Yourself Time To Think.
For instance. Supposing your teenager asks if they can sleep over at their friends place. You know that your daughters friend will be consuming alcohol. You may choose to say; "I need to think about it".
This alternative to saying "no" accomplishes two things. Firstly, it gives you time to think about your thoughts and feelings. Secondly, it allows your teenager some space to accept a "no" answer.
Saying "no" is the short, common and easy way to respond to your teenager's request. However when you consider the whole development and future of your child into adulthood, making that extra effort to come up with alternatives to "no" will serve your teen best. At the same time, your parent teenager relationship will be enhanced.
I reckon that the word "no" is more often used in the parent teenager relationship, compared to other relationships.
If a survey were to be done which canvassed whether a parent used the word "yes" or "no" the most in their parent teenager relationship, what would you expect the results to reveal? Given that a lack of self confidence is so prevalent amongst today's teenagers, I would guess that "no" would be more commonly used. In fact, some teenagers may be so accustomed to hearing the word "no" in their parent teenager relationship that they stopped hoping and dreaming for anything larger than self.
Don't get me wrong. It is not wrong to sometimes say a flat "no" to your teenager. Sometimes it is necessary and the wisest thing to say. However if the use of the word "no" becomes as common as your heart beat, this presents a serious problem in terms of the teenagers capacity to live with hope and confidence especially in the midst of crisis.
I want to present five (5) alternatives to saying "no" in your parent teenager relationship, according to Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber.
1. Provide Information But Leave Out The "No".
For example, your teenager asks if they can attend a live concert the night before a big exam. Instead of saying "no" you can give the facts such as "you need at least 8 hours of good sleep to be prepared for your exam" also "in the past you always did better when you studied the night before". Your teenager may well conclude "I suppose I shouldn't go".
2. Validate Feelings.
For instance, you are collecting your teen from a party at twelve midnight. She wants to stay for another hour. You might say; "I understand that if you alone were making the decision you would be staying back another hour or even longer". As you make this comment, you are opening the car door and beckoning your teenager to step in.
3. Describe The Background Problem.
For example, your teenager says "hey mom, can you drive me to the train station now?". Instead of saying "no, you will just have to wait", you can describe the problem such as "I would like to help but the electrician is coming in the next hour".
4. Using a "Yes" Instead of A "No".
For example, your family has just sat down for a meal together and your teenager asks; "Do you mind if I call me friend?". You answer by saying; "Yes absolutely you can call her after dinner".
5. Give Yourself Time To Think.
For instance. Supposing your teenager asks if they can sleep over at their friends place. You know that your daughters friend will be consuming alcohol. You may choose to say; "I need to think about it".
This alternative to saying "no" accomplishes two things. Firstly, it gives you time to think about your thoughts and feelings. Secondly, it allows your teenager some space to accept a "no" answer.
Saying "no" is the short, common and easy way to respond to your teenager's request. However when you consider the whole development and future of your child into adulthood, making that extra effort to come up with alternatives to "no" will serve your teen best. At the same time, your parent teenager relationship will be enhanced.
About the Author:
Is being a parent to your teen frustrating and wearing you out? Are your parenting strategies falling on deaf ears? Do you know in yourinnerself that there must be a better approach? If this describes you, get a hold of parenting expert, Paul Saver's seven FREE parenting videos. Each video is designed to transform your parent teen relationship. Just click on the link.
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